After nearly 3 months in our new town, I finally feel settled. Our apartment has really come together-the pictures are finally hung up, I painted, DIYed, and sanded flea market finds into submission, and everything feels homey...it's the very definition of gemütlich or gezellig to me! I need to do an updated apartment tour now to show off my hard work..
I really threw myself into settling in here, especially after the attitude adjustment I talked about in my Two Month Post Move Reset. I made friends with the wives of Fionn's coworkers, and we've enjoyed lunch dates, shopping outings, and excuses to get out and have some girl time. They're a great group of girls and I feel incredibly blessed that once again, in another corner of the world, I have found nice people.
I was offered a job working with international students at the local university, due to start at the end of the summer. I was excited about the opportunity to do something I felt passionate about and work with a great team.
I felt really excited about the life that was starting to take shape here in our new home.
Then yesterday, we learned that we might not be allowed to stay here (like we previously thought was an option).
We could be moving again in just 5 short months.
Drawing inspiration from my last move
I'm a bundle of emotions. Angry, disappointed, nervous, excited by the potential for a great new place and apprehensive of getting screwed with the assignment nobody wants but somebody has to take. Even more nervous that we still don't know WHERE we're going.
There is currently no opportunity to go abroad again at the moment. I feel simultaneously disappointed at the loss of a potential adventure and relieved that I don't have to go through the gut wrenching process of leaving my home again for 3 years so soon after coming back. It's a weird mix.
Our potential assignment locations are many, spread out across the United States. My civilian friends keep asking, "You really have NO idea where they could send you?" and I keep answering, "No. The Army could literally send us anywhere, from Georgia to Texas to Washington State to Kentucky and more."
Obviously, our first choice is to move back to the post near my hometown, in Savannah. If I'm being honest, if I can't stay where we are now, I will be disappointed with any post besides that one. I know, probably better than most people, that your location is dependent on your attitude and what you make of it, but when the option to go home is so tantalizingly close, I can't help but be honest.
I want to go home. My real home.
Who wouldn't want to go back to a place like this??
I know that when I married a soldier, I signed on for this life too. The moving, the uncertainty, the following him around the world from one backwater post to another...but it doesn't mean that it ever gets easier or that I don't resent it from time to time. And right now, as I look at the life I was starting to cobble together, I feel angry that it's all so temporary. That I have no control over these big parts of my life. I feel tired of trying and tired of all the work that goes into putting your life back together again and again and AGAIN.
That's how I feel in my dark, beaten down moments. Like throwing my hands up and saying, "I can't do this again. I can't move and start over and be the new kid one more time. I can't!"
That's how I felt yesterday when I found out. I was so distracted and upset and preoccupied that I didn't pay attention and pulled out in front of an oncoming car, nearly causing a wreck. When I was safely out of the way (the other car still honking angrily at my mistake) I took a deep, terrified breath and realized something big.
One, I was alive. Two, I needed to focus on the right now. Not just in the sense that I needed to pay attention while I was driving, but that I need to focus on the present and stop worrying about the future.
I am torturing myself over things that might not happen. I am allowing fear and doubt and uncertainty to weaken me.
More than anything, that scary near miss seemed like a wake up call from God. To stop obsessing over every possible worse case scenario and all the bad that could happen and realize that He always has my best interest in mind. That He is faithful in every promise and that He makes all things work together for His plan, which is perfect.
So many times in life things don't go according to your plan, and years later you see how that move, or meeting or event in your life changed everything for the better. How the path you're on is bigger than you can comprehend at the moment. How even if we don't get our dream assignment of Savannah, life will still be ok.
Yesterday I felt fearful and anxious and angry. This morning I feel at peace, especially after multiple random reminders to trust and lean not on my own understanding. Still nervous about what's to come, but strangely at peace. I'm trying to trust that whatever happens next is going to be good.
So, we might be moving. I'll keep you updated.