Thursday, May 22, 2014

We Might Be Moving Again

After nearly 3 months in our new town, I finally feel settled. Our apartment has really come together-the pictures are finally hung up, I painted, DIYed, and sanded flea market finds into submission, and everything feels homey...it's the very definition of gemütlich or gezellig to me! I need to do an updated apartment tour now to show off my hard work..

I really threw myself into settling in here, especially after the attitude adjustment I talked about in my Two Month Post Move Reset. I made friends with the wives of Fionn's coworkers, and we've enjoyed lunch dates, shopping outings, and excuses to get out and have some girl time. They're a great group of girls and I feel incredibly blessed that once again, in another corner of the world, I have found nice people. 

I was offered a job working with international students at the local university, due to start at the end of the summer. I was excited about the opportunity to do something I felt passionate about and work with a great team.

I felt really excited about the life that was starting to take shape here in our new home.

Then yesterday, we learned that we might not be allowed to stay here (like we previously thought was an option). 

We could be moving again in just 5 short months.

Drawing inspiration from my last move

I'm a bundle of emotions. Angry, disappointed, nervous, excited by the potential for a great new place and apprehensive of getting screwed with the assignment nobody wants but somebody has to take. Even more nervous that we still don't know WHERE we're going.

 There is currently no opportunity to go abroad again at the moment. I feel simultaneously disappointed at the loss of a potential adventure and relieved that I don't have to go through the gut wrenching process of leaving my home again for 3 years so soon after coming back. It's a weird mix.

Our potential assignment locations are many, spread out across the United States. My civilian friends keep asking, "You really have NO idea where they could send you?" and I keep answering, "No. The Army could literally send us anywhere, from Georgia to Texas to Washington State to Kentucky and more."

Obviously, our first choice is to move back to the post near my hometown, in Savannah. If I'm being honest, if I can't stay where we are now, I will be disappointed with any post besides that one. I know, probably better than most people, that your location is dependent on your attitude and what you make of it, but when the option to go home is so tantalizingly close, I can't help but be honest.

I want to go home. My real home.

Who wouldn't want to go back to a place like this??

I know that when I married a soldier, I signed on for this life too. The moving, the uncertainty, the following him around the world from one backwater post to another...but it doesn't mean that it ever gets easier or that I don't resent it from time to time. And right now, as I look at the life I was starting to cobble together, I feel angry that it's all so temporary. That I have no control over these big parts of my life. I feel tired of trying and tired of all the work that goes into putting your life back together again and again and AGAIN.

That's how I feel in my dark, beaten down moments. Like throwing my hands up and saying, "I can't do this again. I can't move and start over and be the new kid one more time. I can't!"

That's how I felt yesterday when I found out. I was so distracted and upset and preoccupied that I didn't pay attention and pulled out in front of an oncoming car, nearly causing a wreck. When I was safely out of the way (the other car still honking angrily at my mistake) I took a deep, terrified breath and realized something big. 

One, I was alive. Two, I needed to focus on the right now. Not just in the sense that I needed to pay attention while I was driving, but that I need to focus on the present and stop worrying about the future.

I am torturing myself over things that might not happen. I am allowing fear and doubt and uncertainty to weaken me.

More than anything, that scary near miss seemed like a wake up call from God. To stop obsessing over every possible worse case scenario and all the bad that could happen and realize that He always has my best interest in mind. That He is faithful in every promise and that He makes all things work together for His plan, which is perfect.

So many times in life things don't go according to your plan, and years later you see how that move, or meeting or event in your life changed everything for the better. How the path you're on is bigger than you can comprehend at the moment. How even if we don't get our dream assignment of Savannah, life will still be ok.

Yesterday I felt fearful and anxious and angry. This morning I feel at peace, especially after multiple random reminders to trust and lean not on my own understanding. Still nervous about what's to come, but strangely at peace. I'm trying to trust that whatever happens next is going to be good.

So, we might be moving. I'll keep you updated.

12 comments :

  1. Ugh. I've been in your exact shoes (only I was standing in Italy and you're in Germany). We found out five months after we arrived—just when I got my groove and was loving life again—that we'd be leaving, because they were shutting down my husband's squadron. It was a ginormous mess and I hope your transition will be much easier. Enjoy the time you have left there and make the most of the coming months!

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    1. Oh, that sucks! That must have been a hot mess. They're so short sighted when it comes to overseas bases-they shutter them just to scramble to reopen something a year later when a crisis arises. Geez Louise. Are you guys trying to go OCONUS again?

      We actually PCSed to Georgia back in March, so unfortunately my Germany time has already finished (the blog needs an update!). But two moves in one year was not what I expected. So goes military life, right?

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  2. Sorry you have to move again. You're same thoughts have been creeping up on me. Right now it's all fun because I've only had to move twice so far because of my husbands job, but if he chooses to do this as a career it's going to be move after move for the next 12 or so years. Can I really handle that, and being the new girl can suck. I hate having make friendships over and over. I feel for ya. Hope you get something you can work with!

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    1. I hope so too! Even though I knew moving was inevitable, I was still shocked that it was so soon, especially after lots of people said we could stay. Fionn is starting to think about getting out, and all the moving is a big factor in that decision. Make the most of your time in Germany! The bases are way lamer on this side of the pond haha

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  3. Oh my heavens, I can't believe it! I'm in serious shock for you so I figure if I multiply what I'm feeling by like, a million, then that's what you're going through I guess.
    But here's the thing... I'll be moving again in about 4-5 months too, so we can move 'together' again :) xo

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    1. Boo to moving again but yay to having a moving buddy! Glad I'll have someone to curse moving boxes with! If I get an adorable dog too then we can really have parallel lives...twilight zone kinda stuff yo. ;)

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  4. Eh. What a terrible pain in the neck. I can understand your sentiments, well maybe 'understand' isn't the word because I don't... I've never been forced to move. Really though, thinking of you, good luck with all this.

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  5. My husband is in the German military and we have had to move three times in the last 7 years. I have been really lucky to push for assignments near big cities like Hamburg and Berlin. Moving is so hard and very frustrating. It takes a lot of emotional energy to start all over. It can be easy to slip into negative thinking and anger. I feel like we never have enough time to find a proper apartment, everything is always chaos and uncertainty. It's hard enough to make friends and find work in a foreign country and then to give it all up in a few short years- it's hard. I think you are fortunate that in the US there is a military culture and you will always have the military community to support you. Wherever you end up there will probably be other women going through the same thing. Plus it's easier to get a job in the US.

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  6. I'm sorry to hear that Shannon. I'm hoping you move closer to me in beautiful Florida!!! :) I'll be visiting Columbus this summer. Looking forward to seeing you again!

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  7. We just arrived in Germany this year, but we tried every possible thing to stay in Colorado or get assigned near Maryland. I had 3 semesters left for my BA. My daughter was going to be 15--and desperately wanted to learn how to drive. But, in spite of our efforts, we moved to Germany, while others were still "stuck" in Colorado for the 6th or 7th year. We were blessed to have been there for 5. Hope you like where you are going next! I too had to learn that It's all in His hands, and He always leads me to great places and people.

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  8. I really know how you feel. We've moved to 6 countries in 4 years and every time people ask us how long we'll stay where we are we hve to tell them that we really don't know because it could be 3 months or it could be 3 years or anything in between. I have grown used to it in some ways, but it doesn't stop the disappointment of saying goodbye to a place you like, or the fact that we haven't had a real home the entire time we've been together. Wishing you lots of luck with the next assignment - hope it's somewhere special.

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  9. Congratulations on your imminent move! I understand why you’re having mixed emotions about this step. You’re thrilled at thought of starting fresh in a new place. However, you can’t help but be sort of afraid of what's to come, which is a total unknown in your case. Still, I wish you luck on the move. May you find peace and serenity in your new place!

    Pedro Padro @ Orbit Logistics

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